Translator

Unsourced Jokes

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Subject: SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man is sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He has no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland,
Walk past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman asked, "'ave ya ever been f****d laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

.. from DK

Monday, March 24, 2014

DFK on Oscar Pistorius

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic !

... She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs

... Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark

... I hope he can foot the bill. It does not look like he has a leg to stand on.

...Rumour has it that his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks on Valentines Day and he lost it right there and then.

... Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out

... New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints !!!
Daniel Katz's photo.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Thanks for answered prayer

Appreciation to Ronnie S and Naomi R

To defend a land you need an army, but to defend freedom you need education
Jonathan Sacks

WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN WHEN WE PRAY?

This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so true:

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said,"This is the Receiving Section". Here, all petitions to Hashem said in prayer are received.

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world. Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section. The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed." How is it that there is no work going on here? ' I asked. "So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments"

"How does one acknowledge Hashem's blessings? " I asked.

"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Hashem. "

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. "

"And if you received this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation. You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."

"If you can attend a shul without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair."

Ok, what now? How can I start?

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all. Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are

ATTN: Acknowledge Dept. 

"Thank you Hashem, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share it. "

If you have read this far, and are thankful for all that you have been blessed with, how can you not send it on?

I thank Hashem for everything, especially all my family and friends.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The call Annie Wan


Chinese man CALLS
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? 
CallerWell... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe
Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to
the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an
urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name


Monday, November 26, 2012

Husband 1.0 program

A woman writes to the IT Technical support 
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Reply
DEAR Madam, 
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. 
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. 
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7
Good Luck Madam!
IT SUPPORT DESK

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Glass half full


is the glass half full or half empty?..

The optimist says the glass is half full.
The pessimist says the glass is half empty.
The project manager says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The realist says the glass contains half the required amount of liquid for it to overflow.
And the cynic... wonders who drank the other half.
The school teacher says it's not about whether the glass is half empty or half full, it's whether there is something in the glass at all.
Anyway... Attitude is not about whether the glass is half full or half empty, it's about who is paying for the next round.
The professional trainer does not care if the glass is half full or half empty, he just knows that starting the discussion will give him ten minutes to figure out why his powerpoint presentation is not working.
The ground-down mother of a persistently demanding five-year-old says sweetheart it's whatever you want it to be, just please let mummy have five minutes peace and quiet.
The consultant says let's examine the question, prepare a strategy for an answer, and all for a daily rate of...
The inquisitive troublemaker wants to know what's in the glass anyhow... and wants the rest of it.
The homebuilder sees the dirty glass, washes and dries it, then puts it away in a custom oak and etched glass cabinet that he built himself using only hand tools.
The worrier frets that the remaining half will evaporate by next morning.
The fanatic thinks the glass is completely full, even though it isn't.
The entrepreneur sees the glass as undervalued by half its potential.
The computer specialist says that next year the glass capacity will double, be half the price, but cost you 50% more for me to give you the answer.
The first engineer says the glass is over-designed for the quantity of water.
The second engineer says (when the half is tainted) he's glad he put the other half in a redundant glass. (Based on a Dilbert cartoon by Scott Adams)
The computer programmer says the glass is full-empty.
The Buddhist says don't worry, remember the glass is already broken.
The logician says that where the glass is in process of being filled then it is half full; where it is in the process of being emptied then it is half empty; and where its status in terms of being filled or emptied is unknown then the glass is one in which a boundary between liquid and gas lies exactly midway between the inside bottom and the upper rim, assuming that the glass has parallel sides and rests on a level surface, and where it does not then the liquid/gas boundary lies exactly midway between the upper and lower equal halves of the available total volume of said glass.
The scientist says a guess based on a visual cue is inaccurate, so mark the glass at the bottom of the meniscus of the content, pour the content into a bigger glass; fill the empty glass with fresh content up to the mark; add the original content back in; if the combined content overflows the lip, the glass was more than half full; if it doesn't reach the top, the glass was more than half empty; if it neither overflows nor fails to reach the top then it was either half-full or half-empty. Now what was the question again?
The Dutchman would suggest to both pay for the glass and share the content. Then tells you he will have the bottom half.
The personal coach knows that the glass goes from full to empty depending on the circumstances, and reminds the drinker that he can always fill the glass when he wishes.
The grammarian says that while the terms half-full and half-empty are colloquially acceptable the glass can technically be neither since both full and empty are absolute states and therefore are incapable of being halved or modified in any way.
The auditor first checks whether the empty half is material and then designs the audit procedures to obtain sufficient evidence to conclude that the glass is indeed empty.
The waiter will hurry to replace the glass with a full one. For him there are no doubts: the glass was empty when he took it away; it is full in the bill that he brings you.
The magician will show you the glass with the full half at the top.
The physician says that the glass is not empty at all - it is half-filled with water and half-filled with air - hence, fully filled on the whole!
The musician says he/she is unimpressed with the promoter of the concert for not providing more alcohol.
The ineffective organization would discuss the question during the board of directors meeting, convene a committee to research the problem, and assign tasks for a root cause analysis, usually without a complete explanation of the problem to those assigned the tasks. The directors would consider the problem to be above the pay grade of those assigned root cause analysis tasks.
And more strangely:
The dog just wonders: can he eat the glass or will you throw it so he can bring it back... The cat wonders why the glass is only half full (or empty)... is it a trick... poison perhaps...
The eternally optimistic eccentric would say, the glass is consistently overflowing (or is that the neurotic?...)
The person who is no longer trapped in The Matrix (whatever one might call him/her) says: "There is no glass..."
More generationally:
The adolescent student says the glass is just another dirty trick played by the teacher to prove that students are dumb.
More scientifically:
The research scientist says that following initial observation and testing a working hypothesis for further research is: "The glass is both half full and half empty," and that these findings warrant further investigation with a more representative sample of glasses and contents, which may or may not be liquid.
The algebraic simultaneous equation theorist says that if the glass is equally half full and half empty, then half full = half empty; therefore ½ x F = ½ x E; therefore (by multiplying both sides of the equation by 2) we show that F = E; i.e. Full equals Empty!
The efficiency analyst says the glass is operating substantially below optimization level, being consistently exactly 50% under-utilized during the period of assessment, corresponding to an over-resourcing in meeting demand equating to precisely 200% of requisite capacity in volume terms, not accounting for seasonal trends and shrinkage, and that if the situation continues there is in theory opportunity for savings or expansion.
The 'perfect' 1950s housewife would not leave the glass sitting there long enough for anyone to consider the question, but would scoop it up, wash it up, dry it to a gleaming shine and put it back in the glass cabinet in a jiffy. No half-full or half-empty in her world... just a full glass or an untidy one.
The obsessive compulsive postpones the question until the level is checked, and checked again, and again, and again...
The phobic says yuck, someone drank out of it and left his germs on the glass.
The psychiatrist would ask you, "Is the half-empty/half-full glass really that important? I mean... really? Think about it. If fact, let's not. Let's set that particular issue aside for a few moments and talk about what's really bothering you.."
The sales person will convince you that even though the glass is half full/empty you are getting more than your money's worth compared to buying a full glass. The full glass is less expensive because of the economies of producing a common standard version in big quantities, whereas the more expensive half full/empty glass represents much better value because it is more exclusive and better quality, and very hard to come by and greatly sought after.
The customer service agent will agree with you that the glass is half full/empty, and he will do anything in his power to fill the glass up at no extra cost. However, after a full investigation you will be informed that you mistakenly received a half full/empty glass since you only paid for a quarter. You therefore received a half full/empty glass at the price of a quarter-full/three-quarters empty glass. You should consider yourself very lucky, and that any further complaints might result in your having to return the half full/empty glass at your own cost, with no guarantee of any refund.
The co-dependent hurries to fill your glass, but not so completely that you would spill it and get upset. Because when you get upset...
The (suggestions welcome for this one) says that's not my glass, mine was bigger.
The radical thankful child of Jesus says, "THE CUP RUNNETH OVER.."
The Taoist sees that the glass is both half empty and half full, that neither half could exist without the other, requiring a point of balance in order to maintain equilibrium in the universe, and therefore, are merely two mirror images of the same realistic concept, so in the purity of absolute truth the glass is neither half full or half empty, the glass simply IS...
The optimist says: "The glass is half-full." The pessimist says: "The glass is half-empty". And while they are arguing, the pragmatist takes the glass and drinks it.
The boss expects the half-empty glass to be filled in half the time it took to fill half the glass, at half the going rate.
The drill sergeant says make the glass do push-ups until it sweats itself full!!!
Schrödinger's cat doesn't want anyone to observe the glass to begin with. ('Schrödinger's cat' refers to Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger's 1935 paradoxical illustration of an aspect of quantum mechanics theory, basically in which a cat, representing something that can exist in different states, continues to exist in two possible states - i.e., alive or dead - until one of its possible states is measured, which in the case of the cat results in its extinction. I think. I am open to better concise interpretations of the Schrödinger's cat theory..)
The police officer says: "I'll ask the questions."
The (other) pessimist says the glass is half full of shit.
The opportunist says, "Thanks, folks! While you were debating it, I drank it."
The Geordie says, "Did you spill my pint?" (Geordie generally refers to people of the Tyneside conurbation of NE England, centred around Newcastle, known for being very straight talkers. The attribution is however transferable very widely, so adapt it accordingly.)
The marketing professional convinces the buyer that what's left is more valuable than the first half.
The banker says: "I see an opportunity! Let's put a couple of options on the full half and leverage it until it's too big to fail, then sell a tons of it... Heck! While we are at it, let's do the same to the empty half and sell that too!"
Eeyore says (to Winnie-the-Pooh), "Well, at least you have a glass.."
The actor says, "Whatever the director wants it to be - or not to be..."
The politician says that under the last government the glass was half-empty, and becoming emptier, but thanks to his own party's new leadership, the glass is definitely now half-full, and becoming fuller; but if the other party were to return to power, the glass would once again undoubtedly empty rapidly.
The economist says let market forces decide.
The call-centre operator asks if you'd mind holding while she finds out for you. (Your call is important to them...)
The IT support person asks if you've tried emptying the glass and then refilling it.
The insomniac will be up all night wrestling with the question.
The existentialist wonders what is the point of the question.
The nihilist breaks the glass.
The Keynesian argues that the glass is half-empty, and that government needs to intervene to fill it up.
The monetarist, on the other hand, believes that the glass will naturally tend to being full, and that to interfere with it would result in an inefficient use of the contents, with some quite possibly being spilled and wasted.
A certain US president did not, repeat not, have half-full or half-empty relations with that glass, and regardless of whether the glass is half-full or half-empty, another US president takes the opportunity to declare 'Mission Accomplished'.
Certain whaling nations say they will drink from the glass for scientific research purposes only.
The Yorkshireman stares at his half-empty/half-full half-pint glass (bought with loose copper pennies and tuppences from the milk-bottle on the kitchen windowsill) then looks you in the eye and says, "It's your round, mine's a pint..." (The attribution is transferable widely, so adapt it accordingly.)

Sunday, November 04, 2012

Circle flies

A stockman from North Queensland attends a social function where Prime Minister Julia is speechifying.

Clearly the stockman was not paying much attention, yackking with those closest and even quite far away.

Julia endeavoured to attract his interest with slower single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.

The stockman says, "Yer havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Julia stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the stockman replies, "Circle flies hang around these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Julia replies and resumes rambling.

But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's arse?"

"No, ma'am," the stockman replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their Prime Minister a horse's arse."

"Thank you for that respectful explanation," Julia responds and resumes rambling once more.

And the stockman adds slowly ...

"Hard to fool them flies, though."

About Me

My Photo

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does